Humor, Random, Rants

Hoarders: Coke Zero Edition

Mr. Miller: Did you hear the news about what Coca Cola is doing?

Me: *blank stare* (somehow I knew it was going to be bad)

Mr. Miller: They’re getting rid of Coke Zero and replacing it with something called Coke Zero Sugar.

Me: *gasp* What?! Nooooo. How could they?! This hurts my soul.

Seriously. This hurts to the very depths of my soul because I am a Coke Zero addict. Actually, I’m probably weird, I’m ok with Diet Coke from the fountain, but when it comes to bottled soda, I choose Coke Zero. Every time. Many years ago I made the switch from regular Coke to Diet Coke and then discovered the heavenly goodness that is Coke Zero.

Coca-Cola Zero Sugar is the new and improved Coke Zero. We’ve made the great taste of Coke Zero even better by optimizing the unique blend of flavors that gave Coke Zero its real Coca-Cola taste. Coca-Cola Zero Sugar is our best-tasting zero-sugar Coca-Cola yet, and it will be available across America in August. (Source: Coca Cola Company)

Let’s break this down. Coke Zero currently has no sugar and no calories. The drink that will be replacing it, Coke Zero Sugar, also contains no sugar and has zero calories. Am I the only one who is confused? Why fix something that isn’t broken? Is it supposed to taste more like regular Coke? I don’t want it to taste like regular Coke. I want it to taste like Coke Zero! While regular Coke drinkers are enjoying the same Coca Cola they’ve always enjoyed, I will have to tearfully say goodbye to my drink of choice. It’s not fair. Coke Zero and I have been in a longtime love affair for the better part of a decade.

It may come as a shock to some of you, but I don’t like change. Apparently this “new and improved” Coca Cola Zero Sugar has performed exceptionally well in about 25 markets around the world. But what about me? *whining* Is there some way to track purchases made by a debit card? If so then Coca Cola would have seen that I alone account for a huge amount of Coke Zero sales. I buy at least one literally every day.

Distribution of my beloved Coke Zero will cease in August. Literally next week! Why can’t they get rid of Diet Coke? It sucks in comparison to Coke Zero. Coke Zero sales rose last year, while Diet Coke sales dropped. How is this good marketing? You guys screwed up Classic Coke in the 80’s with “New Coke” and now you’re wreaking havoc on my Coke Zero. Whatever. This is why we can’t have nice things. And while the rest of you are joyfully living your lives, I’ll be scavenging Jacksonville stockpiling a hoard of Coke Zero.

#RIPCokeZero. You will be missed.

Are you a Coke Zero drinker? How do you feel about the changes? Let me know in the comments!

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  • Reply Laura

    Oh no, I am SO not happy about this. I drink Cherry Coke Zero and I am assuming that will change as well…

    July 27, 2017 at 9:32 am
    • Reply thatmrsmiller

      They didn’t mention Cherry Coke Zero specifically (I love it too), but it’s probably going to be taken away too.

      July 27, 2017 at 9:48 am
  • Reply Larry

    It’s called marketing..most people see the all encompassing word “New and Improved”.Most of the time I see this we the public receive less of something plus a higher cost..

    July 27, 2017 at 4:04 pm
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